"My mother was digging through her purse while driving 45 MPH through the construction on Beltline Road heading from DeSoto to Cedar Hill. I tried to ignore this and I focused on my reflection in the side mirror but then I noticed a high school kid at the stop light and feeling silly I winked at him. His jaw kinda sagged in disbelief and I giggled. My mother continued her digging but looked over to me with a raised brow. I offered her a shrug and said, "Light's green!"
She hit the gas and kept digging. I waved to the kid and he waved back before scratching his head. I turned around in my seat to see my mom had found whatever she was looking for. Her purse was back to where it should have been the whole time she'd been driving, on the floor not being disturbed and close to her right foot.
We had burgers for lunch at this hole in the wall called Burgers N' More; 67, off Highway 67. Everything on the menu was fried if it wasn't cow and I wouldn't have been surprised it that could be fried too. I ate my burger quickly and immediately regretted it. Beef and I have never been friends.
Today was nice, but the humidity was making my hair stick to my head. I kept tucking it behind my ears before tilting the cup of tea I'd ordered to my mouth. I wish I'd brought something to hold it back, but this is the first time since sixth grade that I've needed to think about it. My hair feels weird being so long, touching places on my shoulders and back that it hasn't touched in years.
At the table my mother started talking about how little sleep I seemed to be getting. I detailed out things I am currently stressed out about, friends far away, having to re-arrange an already tight budget, feeling tired without explanation, and then the impending move to Philadelphia (only 22 more days) but I also kept things to myself as always and I nursed these thoughts quietly while I chewed absently on the onion rings that had come with my meal.
"But you were awake early this morning," Mom went on and I shrugged it off. I hadn't been up early, I'd been up all night. I'd just told my parents that I'd found myself awake at 5 am and unable to go back to sleep. When my mother entered my bedroom at 6 am to find me amongst a pile of files I'd dragged out from the garage I told her I'd been writing and that I'd put on a cup of coffee.
"That was a pleasant surprise..." And I thought she'd meant my writing, so I smiled, but she went on to say, "I didn't have to make coffee for your father this morning."
I kept my mouth shut and nodded. I shoved an onion ring into a plate of ranch dressing and ate it. The last bite made me feel sicker than the burger had.
The rest of the lunch passed quickly. We brought home two slices of buttermilk pie, one of which I ate only half. Food makes me feel sick when I eat it, but I like the motion my mouth makes when it chews and the feeling of things like carrots crunching against my molars. It's only later, when I am full, that I regret.
Speaking of regret, will I regret all of these choices that I am making 10 years from now? I have no answers and I have to be okay with that because having all the answers implies that I know exactly what the future holds for me.
To be honest, I want to be surprised."
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